and again..

I'm heading to the doctor's office in the morning. I'm having the "consultation, let's go over all of the test and the results and let's talk about the future and answer all of your questions" visit. I am hoping by some miracle they have more of an idea of what happened with my pregnancy. I'm trying not to get my hopes up to much. I also have issues going on with me that I'm hoping to get resolved too. I love my doctor and her nurse. They are great. I hope that this comes across when you read about my experience. They have been nothing but kind and compassionate to me. Still, the whole business of medicine frustrates me.

Rae and Donnie were here last night and today. It was great hanging out with them. We went to Laredos last night for dinner. The food was great...as always.

I've got a million things to do tonight before I go to bed. All day has been a whirlwind for me. I've got to finish packing and get things ready to head to the beach.

That's it for tonight.

another day to mark off the calendar

This is what I think every night. Another day has passed and for that I'm extremely thankful. I don't think Bryant has stopped all weekend. He has so much going on right now. We were supposed to be in South AL/Baldwin Co. today for my Grandparent's 68th wedding anniversary. I am very close to my grandparents. It would be nice to live closer to home so I could be around more. Bryant's schedule with work changed so our plans had to change also. I understand that driving 3 1/2 hours to eat lunch and then turn around and drive 3 1/2 hours back isn't the most realistic thing.
(Happy Anniversary Grandma and PaPa..love you lots.)

We went to the graveyard today. Nate's plot has grass now. I'm so glad not to see dirt anymore. There is a new grave near him. I feel better because there are so many graves out there with no marker yet. Every time I go out to Nate's grave I am beyond overwhelmed. I feel like I can't even put it into words. The shock of what has happened hits me all again. Today Bryant and I were walking around looking at different markers and talking about gravestones like we would talk about any other normal thing. Then it hits..I am standing in a cemetery talking about markers and gravestones for my baby who is dead. I'm in a cemetery talking about a baby that I should be carrying inside of me but instead I'm talking about how good the grass looks on his plot. The reality of this situation stings. It hurts. It makes me physically sick. Nate won't be coming home this summer. It's hard to even type.

Bryant and I are heading to the beach on Thursday. I hope I'm able to have a good time. I need to get away from things. That rarely happens but maybe this week/weekend will be different.

Bryant did the nicest thing today. He bought me a pool. This is really an inside joke. I am CONSTANTLY asking my husband to put an in-ground pool in our backyard. That is probably like #1000 on the list of things we want but we can't afford. I know that this sounds crazy since we have two very nice community pools in our subdivision but it's not like walking out your back door and looking at a pool. Anyway - he bought me a pool today. It's actually pretty great. It can fit on our deck and it's about 3 feet deep. (I know, I'm sounding very very redneck right now...I'm sure our covenant has something against blow up pools...)
Thanks Bry. I really like my new pool.

very long day

Today was such a long and lonely day. This week has been busy. Today was the first day this week I didn't have something planned. It was not a good day at all. I cried a lot today. I haven't done that in about a week. I've had to force myself to start looking at markers for Nate's grave. That has been such an unbelievably overwhelming experience. There are times when I've been looking online at markers and the reality of what I'm doing hits me. I'm picking out a grave marker for Nate. That reality bring such a heavy sadness and sorrow with it. It hurts. I'm not just talking about emotional pain. It is a physical pain that hurts.

This is the most isolating experience. I didn't think it would be this way. It is though.
It's very lonely. I shield myself from most people. I don't like anyone seeing me upset. I've always been like that. I also don't like people around me to feel uncomfortable. This experience is beyond uncomfortable. Babies aren't supposed to die and most people don't know how to handle it.

It is the most unnatural thing for me to not be pregnant. I'm supposed to be pregnant. I'm supposed to be huge and pregnant. I can't believe that I would be 30 weeks pregnant now if the horrible events that took place on May 5th and 6th hadn't happened.

I miss my Nate tonight.

another Baby Nate

Through this horrible situation I've met so many great people.
I met a mother who lost her own Baby Nate last year.
This is her blog.
Her blog is so honest and I know it's going to help so many people.

seven weeks

It's been seven weeks since our Nate died...

"Smile though your heart is aching

Smile even though its breaking

When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by

If you smile through your fear and sorrow

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through for you"

I absolutely love the song "Smile". I love the version that Lyle Lovett does.
As much as I love that song I really do wish it was that easy. I wish I could just put a smile on my face and will myself to be happy. It's not that way at all. I think that is what is so hard for many people to understand. This sadness and grief feels up all of my day, my thoughts and even my sleep. Yes, I have good moments. Yes, I have good days now. I can chat about things and talk about other topics with people. "It" just never goes away.


I really don't need to be on here right now. I have a hundred things that I need to do today. Hopefully I will get up and have some energy. I am very sore from the P90X workout last night. I'm not looking forward to doing it again tonight but it has to be done.

P90X

Bryant and I started the P90X fitness series tonight. It is hard...very hard. I know I'm in trouble if I'm already hurting tonight. I probably will not be able to blog tomorrow because I won't be able to move my fingers. Maybe..just maybe...I can lose some weight! I have never had this much trouble losing weight before (especially when I'm dieting and exercising like I should).

Today was a good day. I'll mark it down in the good column. I finished my research paper for the Computer Confidentiality in Medical Records class I'm taking. - Boring...Boring..and then some - Hopefully, I will be done soon and can find some doctors who will hire me. That would be great.

That's it for tonight..

I know it's just a show...

Jon and Kate are getting a divorce.

I know that some of you are reading this and thinking that I should have more important things to worry about than a reality show. I think everything I have going on right now in my life makes it even sadder. Bryant and I have watched the show from the very beginning. It is so sad to watch the destruction of a marriage played out on national television. Tonight's episode was so sad. No matter what people have to say about Kate or Jon...no matter who deserves what or who said this or who did that.....it is still horrible.
I HATE to watch marriages fall apart. Bryant and I have watched several couples, that we have known and loved since we've been together, go down this path and it is so heartbreaking.

Let me say this..
I am not a perfect wife. I have SO much to learn. I know that being married a little less than six years doesn't make me qualified to write a book on marriage. I do know this though. I chose to love my husband. I chose to make a commitment to him before God. I didn't choose a feeling or an emotion. I didn't choose certain circumstances and situations. I chose him.
I am very realistic when it comes to marriage. It's hard. It can feel like a job at times to keep it working and healthy. Trust me - adding a child dying to the mix doesn't help at all.

Security is an amazing gift that Bryant and I have been able to
give each other with the Lord's grace and guidance.

This week is shaping up to be a hard week. I have a lot of "normal" things that I have to do. It's hard to get back to life. I do not look forward to leaving the house. I'm always paranoid that I'm going to run into someone that knew I was pregnant and doesn't know what has happened to Nate. I can't imagine how hard it is going to be to explain this situation out in public. I'm also always nervous about what my emotions are going to do. I drove by Brick Oven Pizza and saw a daddy outside holding a newborn baby. I felt like I have been slapped in the face. It's hard. It's hard to watch life move on. Bryant and I will never move on from Nate. I'll never forget him. I do know that life has to move forward. That scares me. I know the Lord has a "new" plan for us.

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine."
Isaiah 43:1

to bryant

I love you.

holidays..

Bryant and I have decided to hide out tomorrow. I don't want to see Fathers with their babies and kids. That sounds horrible. I know. Today has been a good day...or I guess as good as it can be. This week was horrible. It has been the hardest week since Nate died. Hopefully next week will be better. Maybe it will be the week we get some answers.
I normally get Bryant something for Father's Day from our dogs. (Yes, we know...you don't even have to say it.) I didn't even feel like doing that this year. Bryant understood..he feels the same way about the holiday as I do.
Speaking of the dogs...

Dudley & Bauer

We realize, through everything that has happened with Nate, that the dogs aren't our children but they still bring a ton of happiness to our lives.

I do not like....

I do not like to exercise at ALL!
I guess I don't like being fat even more though.
Everyday I tell the treadmill (yes, I know I'm talking to a machine) I'm done...no more....and the next day I end up right back in the same place.
I have 20 lbs that I need to lose. That is such a HUGE number to me.
Hopefully it will come off quickly.
Ok - I've had my break now I've got to go work on arms...(I almost hate push ups and pull ups as much as I hate to run..)

another Friday

It's been six weeks since Nate's funeral.
I should be 29 weeks pregnant.

This is not what I thought my life would be like at 24. The days are still very hard. I feel like we are stuck. I feel like if we could get some answers on what caused this it would help. I'm still waiting to talk to the doctor about the test I had this week.

Life is moving on very quickly. I am so sad and so angry now that our life here does not include Nate. This weekend will be hard.
I thought about what I was going to do for Bryant since it's Father's Day this weekend. Do they make a "Happy Father's Day even though your baby is dead" card? I know that is hard for people to hear but that is our reality. I'm sure that the people at Hallmark won't be expecting that question.

I'm tired. I actually think that I'm getting sick. The past two days I feel like I'm going to pass out every time I stand up or do anything. I'm sure it's because my blood count is really low. I think I'm actually anemic now. I guess I need to do something about that.

That's all I have for today. It seems like I don't have the words to say on here lately. I can't say what I feel most of the time because it would hurt people. That was never the point of this blog so I'll just keep it to myself.

real friends

The friend who can be silent with us in a moment
of despair or confusion, who can stay
with us in an hour of grief and bereavement,
who can tolerate not knowing...
not healing, not curing...that is a friend who cares.
--Henri Nouwen

Thank you so much to our real friends..some of you have been "real friends" to us and we have never even met you in person.

blog?

The blog keeps doing very weird things.
I couldn't get it fixed and ended up having to just redo the whole page
(not fun).

exhausted, tired, confused....

It looks like there isn't going to be an answer.

They saw some things during the ultrasound that might need to be addressed
but nothing that could have caused me to go into pre-term labor. They also didn't think that there was anything that would cause problems with future pregnancies.

I want to go to bed and sleep for a very long time.

last night

Bryant and I went out for dinner last night with some of the old gang. It was great to be with them. K. always always always makes me laugh. We ended up at the bowling alley (random for me because I really don't like to bowl). I can't believe that we stayed out till almost midnight. I haven't done that in over a year. It was really good to get out and do something. There were no "sad eyes" with that group either. It was nice.
Even though I had so much fun I still ended up crying on the way home. It's just hard for me to do anything because it really hits home how much life has moved on. I always think of what I should be doing. I should be big and huge and pregnant. Pregnant women don't stay out until midnight. I know this probably sounds completely crazy to anyone else but that's just how I feel.
I'm about to leave to go have an ultrasound at Lee O/B. I'm thinking this is probably going to be hard. The last 3 times I've had this done I was looking at Nate. That will not be the case today. I'm just hoping and praying that maybe today will bring some answers.

Dr. H called this morning

So..I got a call from Dr. H. this morning. It looks like I'll be having more tests tomorrow. They think they might have found something in the HSG test that was done last Wed. She said it definitely could be nothing but they want to make sure because it could be the thing that caused all of this. I do not like being in the doctors office/hospital right now at all. I'm nervous just thinking about having to be there tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow will bring some answers....

just the start of a long summer...

Today was a busy day. That was really good. I needed to have a busy day with things to do. I met H. for lunch. It was good to get out of the house. I'm still trying to get all of my thank you notes sent out. I have never been this unorganized.

I'm feeling so sad tonight. I really thought tonight would go down in the "good column". All it takes is one thing and I'm crying. Not just crying, because that would be easy to deal with, but physically hurting because I'm so upset. I am so ready for the summer to be gone and for it to be cold. I just want to wake up and 2009 to be over...............
I feel like I just need to go away. It's going to be a really hard year to sit and watch life go by...especially the kind of life that I'll be watching. I especially don't want September to come. I know I say the same things all of the time. I can't imagine what this blog must be like to read. I'm sorry because I know it is extremely depressing right now. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that this is my life.
I never thought something like this could happen. I was very naive.
I prayed for Nate every morning and every night while I was pregnant. I prayed for his development, his fingers, his toes, his life....I worried a lot in the first trimester. I knew if I could get into the second trimester my risk for miscarriage would go down drastically. Once we were in the second trimester I worried about his development. Even though we already knew that he was a boy (because we cheated and went to Babywaves at 14 weeks) I was so ready to have our ultrasound at the OB's office at 16 weeks. I remember waiting for her to tell us each of his little parts were healthy and the right size. I can still remember the tech ruling out all of the major diseases. My heart would jump every time she would tell us that one more thing looked great and exactly the way it should. I remember how thankful I was. I felt such relief. I knew that there were still things that could happen but all of the major stuck was out of our way. I really did stop worrying about my pregnancy that day....I was able to really enjoy Nate. I started to feel him move and kick that week too. That was a really good day. I can't even believe that was only in March of this year. It seems like I'm remembering a memory from five years ago.

back in Auburn

Bryant and I are back at home.
It was nice to get away for a little bit. I went to the beach on Saturday.
I love it. I wish I could afford to actually stay for longer than a day but as my husband would say - "that's not in the budget".
I have a ton of stuff going on with me physically (nothing serious) and I'm drained and exhausted.
(I'll spare you all of the fun details)
I was able to sleep last night so that helped some. We came home with a huge load of vegetables from Mama and Daddy's garden. Bryant and I love vegetables. Dad even sent home some green beans for Dudley (the vet has him on a diet and we substitute some of his dog food w/ green beans). I have been working really hard at losing weight. I've never had this much trouble before. I can't even lose a pound right now. It's really weird because I'm exercising and working out every day. It is very frustrating. None of my clothes fit - I look horrible which makes me feel ever worse......

I have so much stuff I'm trying to figure out. I really wish I could have more answers about what happened. I wish that I could even get a general idea of what happened. I don't know how to get closure in this situation. Someone telling me that this was "just a fluke" or "one of life's great mysteries" doesn't help at all. I have a thousand questions that I feel like will never be answered. I just replay everything that has happened over and over and over again in my head trying to find a piece of information I've forgotten about.
I feel so irresponsible to even think about trying again when I don't even know what happened with Nate.

don't have much to say

I am so sad tonight.
I can't really even write about it tonight....

sun and strawberry pie

Today was another good day. Sound the alarm!
Bryant feels like if he comes home and I haven't cried and I have make-up on the day goes on the "good" side of the bad/good day chart.
I'm sure he put today in the "extra good" side of the chart.
I had taken a shower, gotten dressed, put make-up on, left the house several times and was standing in the yard talking to our sweet neighbors when he got home. I'm very thankful for today.
I hope that the good days don't make the bad days worse.
(I really hope that makes sense..)
I have a lot of things going on in my head tonight. Bryant and I have so much to think about
and work through and decide. I don't want to have so much worry inside of me. I know that worrying about something does nothing to change the situation.
Anyway - This is where I'm at tonight.

so...

Today has actually ended up being a really good day.

(*thank you so much Tonya for the strawberry pie you brought over...I wish you could see us right now - both of our mouths are stained red....*)

the results are in....

(Ok that title makes me think of the Maury show when they are about to reveal the DNA results....sorry that was random)

We just got home from the hospital. I am SO glad to be out of that place. I do NOT want to be back there for a long time. Let me just say though..I love Dr. H. Anyway - they found absolutely nothing wrong with me. They have covered all of the major issues (cervix, infections, placenta, genetic abnormalities and today was uterus issues - the most serious of all of them) and haven't found anything that isn't exactly the way it's supposed to be. I was very disappointed at first. I really need answers and that is what I thought I was going to get today. Dr. H asked me though to really think about what I was saying. Did I really want there to be something horribly wrong with me...No. The statistics for this stuff are crazy though. Basically over 80% of all preterm labor and stillbirths are never diagnosed. It's basically just one of life's great mysteries. It's just hard to think that I can be completely healthy, Nate was completely healthy and this still happened. I feel better knowing that there isn't anything wrong with me but I was hoping to at least get some sort of closure with what happened 5 weeks ago.

I say all of this to say...Today we are thankful and praising the Lord for a good report. We still don't understand a lot of things and have a lot of questions but we realize that we, our situation, our future and Nate are all in God's hands. I have a lot of peace today in knowing this.

Thank you for all of the prayers that were prayed for us this morning. We appreciate it so much.

sisters

Rae and Dee -
Thank you so much for being there for me during this crazy horrible time. You two are the best sisters in the world. I love you both so much. I appreciate you staying by my side through all of this. I hate that we are far apart and can't see each other as often as I would like. Just wanted you to know how much you mean to me.

- C.

life

The reality that I have to figure my life out SOON is really starting to hit.
Life is moving on faster with each day that goes by.
How is it June? I still can't comprehend that the summer is here...
I want this year to pass by quickly.
I told Bryant that I don't want to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas this year.
I just want to go away and not have to think about it
People want to know how I'm doing..If things are getting better....
I don't feel like it's gotten better. I feel like it's gets worse.
I'm not sure if that is the grief working or just me.
It was easier when it was on everyone's mind. It was easier that first week when I felt like
life was standing still for us. Life is NOT standing still at all..it's moving past us faster than it ever has.
I have to get a job. I have to find a new way to contribute to my family. I have NEVER just not had a job...This is so unlike me. The days are so hard though. It's a struggle to get up out of bed. Whenever I do anything I think, "This would be a lot different if I was still pregnant." or "I wouldn't be doing this if I was still pregnant with Nate". There isn't any way to get away from the pain and the heaviness. It is so heavy.
Bryant is going to start doing yard work on the weekends to help the financial situation we are in. I'm praying that he will find work. He has sent out flyers and postcards but I don't think he has been contacted by anyone. He is such a good husband.
I cooked supper again tonight. I know that seems like such a normal task. Some days it's easy..other days something as simple as cooking supper is too much to deal with.
Hopefully - Bryant will be home soon...

tired

I cannot believe that I didn't wake up until 8:30 this morning.
This is so unlike me. I am a 5 am - 6 am wake-up kind of girl.
Everything about the way life is now is so different.
I think this is something I've got to start dealing with.
I wished I would have gotten up earlier.
I have so much to do today. I cannot believe it's already past 9 am.
It's hard to be productive when you really just want to stay in bed.

The tests went well yesterday. It all went a lot better than I thought it would.
I still don't know the results. I'm hoping by maybe tomorrow or Thursday we will know something. Tomorrow we have to go to the hospital for more tests. I do NOT like being anywhere near the hospital. It has nothing but bad memories for us.

Ok - That's all I can write. I've got to get up and get this day going.

tests tomorrow

I'm sitting here drinking this horrible stuff that I have to drink for one of my test in the morning. I've already gagged 4 or 5 times...the last time I almost threw up all of the horrible liquid. After the last time I gagged I started crying.
So now I'm sitting here typing this blog...crying...and having to drink this horrible stuff that makes me gag so badly I feel like I'm going to throw up. Those of you who know me understand how much I dislike throwing up. I don't understand why but anytime I gag or throw up I immediately start crying. I also have to drink another jug of this stuff in the morning...Hopefully that will go better than right now.

Tomorrow I have tests starting at 8:30 in the morning. Please keep us in your prayers. Bryant will be with me (I think they are going to have to drug me up for some of it because they told me I would have to have someone drive me home). The tests that they are doing tomorrow are mainly on my kidneys. They are trying to see if there are any kidney stones left, what might have caused the kidney stones I had, looking for any blockages and something else but I can't remember now. Hopefully the dye that they shoot through my veins won't burn as badly as it did the last time they did this test...

Ok - I have to get back to drinking this horrible liquid...

We aren't the only ones who've lost a Baby Nate...

This is an excerpt from a blog post from a family who lost their Baby Nate over a year ago. He died after living only 25 days. Trisha (the mother) was able to capture how we felt in such detail that I wanted to share a part of her blog post. She wants to educate people on what to do when someone you know loses a child. She also tries to explain what the grief process is like. Like I said, I'm just posting excerpts from her blog (hopefully it won't be to choppy to follow). When she publishes the entire blog post I'm going to try and post a link to it on here.





"I've often explained the grief of losing a child to others in a few ways:

• It's like losing a leg. It's painful. It hurts. You are now an amputee. You are never whole again. It takes a long time to learn to walk again. Sometimes you fall down. Sometimes you can run. You learn to live without it but it never grows back. Your life moves forward but part of you is always missing.

• Or...it's like playing in a football game. You're on the field battling. You're exhausted and out of fuel. Sometimes you have a good run and go forward a few yards. Sometimes you get sacked and you're flat on your back. There are many people in the stands cheering you on. They want you to succeed. But they're sitting comfortably in their seats and eating their hot dogs. You need people to help you strategize. You need people to bring you water. A few help coach you. But most people stay comfortably in their seats while you're fighting for your life on the field. You feel all alone.

• But...I think that the best way to describe it is like you're drowning."

"When Nate died it felt like someone dropped us off in the ocean 1000 miles from shore and said swim back."

"We struggled to keep our heads above water. Some days we were stronger than others but most days we were drowning."

"It was hard for us to see what our lives used to be like. How we used to have fun with friends. How we used to laugh and rejoice in our many blessings. We couldn't relate to that. We were so far removed from that joy and happiness, it was hard to be around it. We couldn't ever imagine being happy or joyful again."

"At present, we are still swimming. There are days when the sea's are very rough. Sometimes we are tussled around in the waves or swept off course by the current. Some days we are pushed under water by people or circumstances. It's still hard to get back to the surface. We can see the shore now. It's a long way away. It will take us thousands of strokes to get there. When we arrive, we will be tired but stronger. We will never be the same."

"-It's important to know that everyone deals with grief/tragedy differently. Some avoid, some take anti-depressants, some isolate, some are suicidal. It's really hard to judge if people are doing well. I've talked with a lot of families and most have had similar experiences to ours. Even our counselor agreed that most people that experience grief at a young age lose a large portion of their friends & family. People just don't know how to deal with it. I believe that this is why God put the book Job in the bible. He knew that people would fail to help the grief-stricken. That's actually a really good book to read for anyone that wants to understand the pain and torment. I relate a lot to Job!-"

today has been one of the worst...

Today did not start out well...then it got worse...and then it got even worse.
Tonight has been a little bit better...thankfully.

I was so overwhelmed this morning by Nate's death. I'm not sure why it hit me the way it did today. It was a very hard day. I cried a lot. I had moments today where the grief was heavier than it has been this whole entire time. I ended up taking something around noon to help me sleep. I was able to stay asleep until about 3:30 pm. That helped some.
I am so glad that Bryant was here today.
Our house is such a mess. I'm sure living in such chaos in adding to the craziness. Bryant is such a neat freak. I'm sure it's been hard on him. I try to clean as much as I can but this house it to much for me right now. Bryant is so busy with trying to make money for us and then trying to meet my needs when he is home..there isn't much time left for anything else. I did cook supper tonight. It felt good to not be so useless.
Bryant has been wanting to watch "Batman Begins" (I know we are really behind with that whole series). I put it on our Netflix list. It is here so I think that is what we are going to do with the rest of our night.

Thank you so much to all of the people that have reached out to us. I am amazed at how many people all over the country that know our story and now know about Nate. Your outpouring of compassion is so unbelievable. I hope that one day I will be able to share the same compassion to others.

*I hope that our Nate is playing in Heaven tonight with another Baby Nate that I found out about today...Thank you Trisha for sharing your heart with me..**

thank you notes and labels

I've tried three different times to work on thank you notes. We have been so blessed by so many acts of kindness and compassion - that I want to try to show our gratitude in some small way. Every time I start to work on addresses and labels and getting the cards into the envelopes...I stop. How did I get here? I'm working on sending out thank you cards thanking people for the things they done for us because our baby DIED. It doesn't even sound right when I look at the letters I've typed. Once again the realization that Nate is dead hits me in such an overwhelming way. How is it June and Nate's gone....
He was supposed to be growing and I was supposed to be huge.

It's only June and He's gone...
The summer is just beginning and my baby is dead.
I held him and saw him and delivered him. He should be inside of me still..
I feel like I should go outside and scream:
'My baby died! How can life be going on as normal for everyone because My baby died"
I know that sounds selfish and crazy but it's how I feel right now.

I'm so sad. I'm so tired of being so sad. I'm so exhausting from feeling this much pain. Tonight is real. I never intended for all of these people to be reading this blog. I apologize.

I know it must be depressing to hear what is going on with me but this is one of the only outlets I have at the moment. There will be rough times on here. Tonight is a rough night.
Tonight I want to run away..I would take Bryant too. I know that running away won't help any of the pain go away but it's how I feel.

"I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears. My vision is blurred by my grief, my eyes are worn out...." Psalm 6:6-7

**In Psalm 6, the writer, David, states that he was worn out by crying and that his vision was blurred by grief. Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever felt "emotionally raw?" Maybe you are feeling that way right now as you read these words. I have only one thing to say, "Don't let go!
Life can leave you spinning in uncertainty and loneliness. Discouragement and brokenness can lead you to believe that there is no way to put the pieces back together. But don't let go
God awaits your cries for help. He wants to hear your "emotionally raw" prayers that ask Him to rescue you from the pit of despair. He wants to guide and direct you to higher ground. He wants to tell you that you are loved and that there is hope for your future.
In many of the Psalms that David wrote, he cried out his afflictions and suffering to the Lord. Even in his anguish, David always affirmed his trust in the Lord's power to save and heal (Psalm 6, 22, 63, 142...). This is because David knew from experience that when he felt emotionally raw, left without answers or an escape plan, His Father in Heaven would free him from the prison of defeat.***

- Thank you Shealy for sending that devotional to me

- Tonight I'm praying and hurting for some of our friends who lost their baby today.
I am so sorry S.& J.

very low..

Nothing puts me in a worse mood than dealing with the insurance company. (I am very sorry if any of you out there reading this work for an insurance company) I just found out what it's going to cost for me to have these tests done next week. Not to mention what we still owe the hospital for my 11 days there. I'm rundown. I'm stressed. I need to find a job. I don't even feel like that is a possibility at the moment but I know I need too. I have something in the works to start in August but June and July are going to be very long months.
This was our year to be debt free (other than our house...that's a goal but not this year). That will not be the case at all now. I have more than doubled our debt in one month with all of my medical bills. Not to mention the fact the most 24 and 25 years old don't have money put back to have a funeral for their dead child (especially in this crazy expensive town). I'm stressed and afraid. I look at our almost none existent savings account and think...what are we going to do if something else happens.

I'm sure my husband is going to die if he reads this post. He does not talk about money with other people. He is completely old school in that area. He likes people to think we have it together..(not in a "keeping up with the Jones' kind of way..just in a "some things aren't other peoples business kind of way). So, if this post gets deleted you will know why.

People keep asking us what they need to pray for. Pray that we will not let fear and stress consume our lives. I don't want to live life like that. I pray each day that the Lord will strengthen my faith in Him. That He will really help me learn how to come to Him with all of my pain and stress and hurt and fear and lay it at His feet.

I have one thousand and one things that I have to get done today. I really need to have a productive day.

I don't have much to say...

I miss Nate tonight...
It hurts to much tonight to even type about it.
I'll write more tomorrow.

I'm sorry..I didn't make myself clear..

I'm sorry. I should have made myself more clear in the last post.
I'm looking for someone or a company that designs, arranges, constructs and does the whole shadow box from start to finish.
I am not crafty or talented enough to do one myself.
Thanks for all of your help though.

Shadow Box

I was wondering if anyone knew where I could get a custom shadow box made?
I want something really modern and elegant to display some of Nate's stuff.
I've looked online but everything I find doesn't fit what I'm looking for.

prayer tonight

"You have known me all of my life, even longer than I have known myself. As it turns out, I don't know myself as well as I thought I did. I don't seem to be handling this very well. I thought I would do better in a time of such trial. I have faith in you, but I am still afraid. I am full of weeping and sorrow. I am unsure of everything now.
Help me, Lord, to trust in you."

- prayer from An Empty Cradle: A Full Heart

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are Mine."
- Isaiah 43:1

four weeks...

I cannot believe it's only been four weeks since Nate died.
I woke up and looked at the clock..It was 7:58 am.
We already knew that Nate was gone at this time four weeks ago.
All I can think about every Wednesday are the events that happened on May 6.

Thankfully, I have a lot to do today. I feel like I just go through the motions of the day just so I can mark another box off my calendar. I know in my head that in six months it won't be as bad as it is today. At least I hope it won't be as bad as it is right now. I'm not sure why I've picked that mark but I'm just trying to get to six months..I still can't believe it's only been 4 weeks. It feels like we have been stuck in some type of time warp (sp?) and time is just standing still.

I'm making myself get up now and start my day. It's too hard lately just to sit around and think about things....

a day to think

A lot of things have had time to sink in.
I am sad. I'm tired. I'm exhausted.
I've had so much to think about today....
I don't have much to say tonight.
I'll write more tomorrow.

Dr. Appointment & a ton of mosquito bites....

First off let me say that I completely eaten up with mosquito bites. I was outside for 30 minutes Saturday night and it looks like I was sleeping in a swamp. Bryant was outside all weekend and doesn't have one bite on him. I'm hoping that Benedryl might help with all of the itching.

This morning has not been a fun morning.

I had to go back to the hospital for the first time to pick up all of my medical records. I know that if we are going to get a second opinion we are going to need them. I also want to look at them too. Anyway - I had called a few days ago and they told me they would have them waiting when I got there. That wasn't the case. They told us we would have to come back.
I seriously felt like I couldn't breathe when I walked back into the hospital. That place has nothing but bad memories for me right now and it was very hard to be back there.

The appointment with Dr. H. went a lot better than I thought. I honestly didn't think I was going to be able to go back in there and sit in the waiting room without breaking down. It was hard. I just had to keep telling myself that I wasn't going to cry. When they called me back you could tell the nurse thought I was just any other patients. I could tell the moment she read what had happened on our chart. Her entire demeanor changed. She looked at us with the "sad eyes" that everyone else looks at us with.
I didn't have to wait at all. For any of you that know me that is normally not the case. I have waited in the waiting room for 3 hours before. It was good to talk to Dr. H.
Here are the things that we know for sure now:
(sorry guys..you might not want to know all of this info)

- I do not have a "weak or incompetent cervix". That is a huge reason why this type of thing happens. They know for a fact that I don't have this issue because when my water broke I wasn't dilated at all. If I had a weak cervix I would have completely dilated and then my water would have broken. (I hope I'm explaining this in a way where it can be understood)
- The test have shown that there was nothing wrong with Nate. Sometime if there is something wrong with the baby it can cause pre-term labor.
- I did not have a placenta abruption or any other type of issue with the placenta.
- Also the test showed that there was no infection anywhere

The doctor thinks we may be dealing with a uterus shape issue (that is a very basic way of putting it). This can be anywhere from a small issue to a huge issue in regards to future pregnancies. My doctor also said that it still may end up being a great mystery.
I'm going to have test run on my kidneys and urinary system. She wants to make sure there isn't anything going on there or any blockages. I get to do that wonderful dye test again (you feel like they are pumping your veins full of fire for 25 minutes...) but this time they will be able to do a full CT-scan. (While I was pregnant they could only do 3-4 x-rays) I'm also going to have an HSG test where the inject die into your uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure there aren't any blockages or cysts or any abnormalities there. They will be looking for the uterus shape issues in the test also. The lady is going to call me today to schedule all of this stuff. Hopefully after these tests we will know more but I'm still preparing myself that we might not ever have all of our questions answered.

We talked about what future pregnancies would be like. She said the would give me weekly progesterone shots during any future pregnancies. This is supposed to help delay pre-term labor. She also said there would be lots of visits and appts and ultrasounds. She said that she knows she won't even have to say the word bed rest to me because she knows I won't do a thing next time around...

I still can't believe that I'm even talking about this stuff. It is so painful when the reality of the situation hits. Today we had a lot of reality hit us. Pregnancy is supposed to be fun and exciting...not tests, shots, nervousness, fear, sadness, stress, more tests......I know that there are so many other people going through this and that makes me so sad. This is not the way things are supposed to be. I say that all of the time to Bryant...just out of the blue...
My head is exhausted from thinking and I'm mentally and emotionally drained. I'm hoping to be able to lay down and sleep for a little bit and get a break from it all. Maybe the benedryl will kick in soon...