choices

This is such a journey. I'm learning so much through this process. I wish at times I wasn't but that's just how I am. I do not like change and avoid it at all costs. Grief is change - tons of change. I'm learning that I have a choice to make everyday. I can either let fear and grief schedule my entire day or I can let go of the situation and ask God for the strength to make it through the day. It's not easy. It doesn't mean that I won't be upset or exhausted or confused. He has given us more strength than Bryant and I ever thought possible. I sit here and think about the things that we have been brought through these past twelve weeks and I'm amazed.

Twelve weeks. I didn't think I would make it out of the first week and now here I am. I'm learning more everyday how to move forward. Bryant and I aren't forgetting Nate. Even though at times it still feels like that. Bryant and I aren't trying to erase this tragedy from our story. We will never be the same because of Nate. We will never look at things the same way. Our priorities have changed. Our relationship has changed. We are still broken people but we know we are Hope is found. Our hope isn't found in the situations and circumstances of this world. Our hope is found in Jesus.

It's weird seeing the summer come to an end so quickly. I cannot believe that it is almost August. Normally, we would have already begun the countdown for football season. I don't think that will be the case this year. This fall will be hard for us. It will be hard to enjoy things knowing our Nate should be here. I guess that is where the choice thing come into play. We will have to choose (as hard as it may be) to find happiness in the moments that we can and know that the Lord will give us the strength in the moments where we can't.

I am ready to go back to work. I'm excited about the people I will be working with. I'm also ready to finish with this online degree I have been working on the past year. I worked for about 5 hours yesterday on one of my courses and got so frustrated I had to stop. Hopefully, I will be able to figure out some of my issues when I talk to my instructor today. I'm sure Bryant is very hopeful of this too! I have one course left and then I'm done. I need to make some money. I know money isn't everything but with a mortgage and bills and debt it helps a lot.

Ok - that's it for today.

good moments

The good moments are turning into good days.
I'm hoping that will continue. Nate's due date is getting very close.
I am able to think about it more now without breaking down.

I have a lot to blog about but my mind is tired tonight.
I still can't believe that so many of you are reading this blog.
Your prayers, comments, thoughts & emails mean so much to me.

Thank you.

no fear

Do not be afraid or discouraged,
for the Lord will personally go ahead of you.
He will be with you;
he will neither fail you nor abandon you.
Deuteronomy 31:8

light in the darkness

How can I be at light right now to others? This is something that has been on my heart for several weeks. How can I show the love of Jesus to others when I'm in such a dark place? Can people look at my life and see a difference? Do they just see hurt and pain and grief? What if I'm missing opportunities to impact other people's life because I'm too engulfed in my own grief?

The message at church today was on living out the love of Jesus in our lives and spreading the gospel. That is our call as Christians. I feel like my situation or circumstance shouldn't change that. I'm praying that the Lord will still be able to use me in a time where I feel so helpless.
Bryant and I want our life to matter. I don't want to get stuck in the despair and turmoil. I don't want our story to be that our baby died and our life was never full again. I want people to see Jesus working through us even in the midst of unimaginable pain.

I hurt. I cry. I get angry. I have moments where I don't understand.I have moments where I want to give up. I have moments where I don't want to move forward. I am so weak at times.

I still know that Jesus is with us. I want that to be our story. I want our story to be about His faithfulness even through this tragedy.

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart!
I have overcome this world."
- John 16:33

fun still equals sad

Today was such a fun day. I don't say that much anymore. Bryant's family is staying with us this weekend. I had a really good time being outside and just spending the day with them. They are always entertaining. We played games and even ended our night at the subdivision pool.

Still...I miss my baby. Whenever I remotely have any type of fun it is always followed by the deep sadness of missing Nate. My entire life and world should be revolving around final preparations for bringing a baby home. I should be making sure everything is in place and in order for him to come home. Instead, I am dealing with picking out a marker for his grave. I'm dealing with deciding where all of his stuff will be stored. I'm going to have to deal with taking down a crib. The crib that my sweet Nate was supposed to sleep in will be taken apart and put back in the box. I remember the night we brought the crib home. I was so excited. I stayed in the nursery for an hour after Bryant put it together. That is where he was supposed to sleep........

So as usual...with any type of happiness comes the sadness. I'm not sure if the sadness will ever leave. I'm not sure if we are supposed to learn how to incorporate the sadness into our life now. I just don't know how it is all supposed to work. I haven't had time to get that far yet.

decisions

I haven't really had much to say this week. I feel like I get very redundant on the blog. The days are still very long for me. It won't be much longer before I start working again. I'm hoping that will help.

Bryant and I have a lot of decisions to make in the next month. I've never been a person that handled any kind of change well. Changes that are good still mess me up for awhile. Bryant and I built our first house two years ago. He was the builder, the designer, the general contractor...everything. We were very involved in the process. It was long and hard and very frustrating. We were living in a very nice 3 bedroom apartment at the time. I'm not sure why but I hated that apartment. Bryant finished our house in about 5 months. It felt like it took 2 years. I was so happy and ready to move in. To prove my point about how change just rocks my world - I cried every night for the first two weeks that we lived in our new house.

I don't want the fear of what may be or what may happen again to control my life. I don't want to make decisions based on fear. I want to be a whole person again. I'm tired of being a fragment of the person I used to be.

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray.
Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness,
everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down.
It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
- Philippians 4: 6-7 The Message

love

"Love is the greatest because even when the pain comes, and it will because pain is the underbelly of love, nothing can ever steal love's joy. Even when the love seems gone, a memory, the joy of that memory still remains, always. And so the love remains forever."

- Ann Voskamp - Holy Experience (her blog)

so far so good

today was a good day.

the same

Sometimes I just wish I could turn my mind off. I just want to tell myself to not think about it. I just want to will myself to not be sad. Of course, I feel guilty for thinking this way. I feel guilty for wanting to forget. If I forget about the horrible things that have happened it would be like forgetting a part of Nate.

All of these days were supposed to be filled with excitement and anticipation...this summer has been so full of sadness for me. It's a sadness that is so deep at times I feel like I cannot breathe. I can't believe it's almost August. We made a lot of plans for August. I wanted to make sure everything was done and that Bryant and I were able to do some special things together before the baby got here. Our anniversary is August 2. I don't think we will be doing much celebrating this year.

I really want to be pregnant. How can people try again after something like this happens. I've had several talks with Bryant about just being done. I know that I would always fill incomplete without having children. At the same time, I feel like even if we are blessed with another child there will always be a sense of our family being incomplete because Nate isn't here. I want to be hopeful. I want to positive and I don't want to be anxious and fearful. I just don't know how I can be that way about another pregnancy when there is a very good chance it could happen again.

I woke up this morning around 3 am. In my dream the doctor had just told us that Nate had died (I replay the events of that night and day in my dreams all the time). Normally I don't wake up at that point but I did. I was covered in sweat and had tears rolling down my cheeks. I was so mad. I was so angry. I was just furious. I'm laying in the bed - wide awake - at 3 am.
I just starting talking to the Lord. (I know for some of you this might sound extremely odd but trust me - you come to know the Lord in a whole different way through tragedy.) As my grandmother has said on many occasions, "It's time to meet with Jesus". I prayed for understanding. I prayed for comfort and peace. I prayed that we will have some answers. My prayer was completely selfish...but selfish out of desperation. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm worn down. I can go places and do things. I can smile and talk. I can laugh at things even....but still the deep sadness is always there. The emptiness that I feel is almost paralyzing at times. I can have good moments but then I remember or something brings me back. I honestly feel like someone has come up and slapped me in the face. The pain hurts. I'm not even talking emotional pain. I'm talking physically hurts deep inside.

I read a response last week of what someone was told right after she found out her baby was going to die. This person told her, "Jesus is the same Jesus He was before you got the news your baby was going to die. He is the same Jesus today as He was yesterday. He will be the same Jesus tomorrow too."
That is the only way I get through the day.

It's sunny outside. I have several things I need to do. That's good. It's good to be busy. Bryant has been extremely busy the past few weeks. It's helped him a lot.
I'm hoping that today will be a good day.

sunshine

I'm so glad we went to church this morning.

My day has gotten better.

Bryant is sound asleep right now. I don't know why he thinks taking a nap at 5 pm is a good idea. Bless his heart.

I hope that all of you are having a good day.

good night - sad morning

We went to the movies with some of our good friends last night. We had a really good time. I was able to talk about stuff and laugh about things. Anyone looking in on us wouldn't have thought anything out of the ordinary. When we got in the car to go home without even explaining why or what I meant I just said to Bryant, "This is our life now." He completely got what I meant. Every moment of happiness or fun is immediately followed with guilt and then sadness. If I have any time in the day where I'm not thinking about everything that has happened there is always something there to remind me and bring the reality crashing back down. It's the oddest thing for me. I feel like my life is at a stand still. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of time warp. It's hard watching life move on for everyone around us.

So here I am today. Another day to get through...I'm so tired of crying. I feel like I really shouldn't have any more tears left. I need to get up and get ready for church. I do not want to be around a lot people today. I hope that doesn't sound unkind. It's just easier to stay at home. I don't have to worry about saying that right or wrong thing to someone. I don't have to worry about making people uncomfortable. I don't have to worry about my emotions and if I'm going to melt down at any moment. If I melt down here it doesn't matter.

To Write Their Names in the Sand

I submitted Nate's name to a wonderful organization called
"To Write Their Names in the Sand".
A woman who lost a baby of her own does all of the names.
The pictures are so beautiful. This beach is called Mullaloo Point.
It's is located in the city of Perth in Australia.
Please click here to see the entire post.
*Thank you so much Carly.

cloudy & no diet coke & randomness

I have finally decided that I'm getting off all diet drinks. I know it's not healthy for me. I'm also hoping it will help me get this extra weight off. So far it hasn't been to bad. This is only day 2 but for me that is a big deal. I normally can't make it about two hours without one.

It is cloudy today...this is not good. I was hoping to be out in the sunshine.

I am so glad it's Friday. I'm ready to be with my husband. I feel like we haven't talked all week long. He is very busy at work right now. The hour and ten minute commute (one way) doesn't help either. I don't know anyone that loves their job more than Bryant though. That makes me happy knowing that he is doing something he loves and is fulfilled in his job. I know everyone must think that I am the most needy wife in the world. Honestly, right now I probably am. Bryant is the only person I can be 100% real with. He never makes me feel like I'm losing it...even though at times I probably am. Bryant is more than my husband...he is such a friend to me. I mean we really enjoy being around each other. I have more fun with him than anyone else. We are very compatible. I know for some of you reading this that may sound like the most boring thing ever but it is such a foundation in our marriage. I encourage people to make sure you are friends with the person you are marrying. Please make sure that you are compatible and enjoy each others company. I have so many friends that I feel don't even like their husbands. I love my husband deeply and still have such a spark with him but I really LIKE him too. Isn't it funny how I always write a book whenever I start talking about Bryant....?

I do not want to become a bitter person. This has been something I've been dealing with over the past few days. A lot of people have disappointed me. A lot of people have let me down. I don't want that to be something I'm bitter about. I don't want to become bitter over this situation. I don't want to be bitter about the fact that my baby died and other babies live. I think bitterness is something that destroys more people and more relationships than most other things.

I'm sorry for all of my ramblings and randomness today. I know that there are a lot of people that read my blog now. I'm sorry. I'm sure most days it's not a fun read. Even of the "good days" I know I'm not very entertaining. I am happy to know that so many people know about our Nate. That may sound strange to some but it means a lot to Bryant and me.

(*also I apologize to my mother, sister and any teachers that may read this blog - I love to write but I never said anything about writing properly - I have depended on spell and grammar check for way to long)

two reasons

Two reasons why I love my husband:


1. He not only takes out the trash but washes our trash cans and disinfects them.

2. He fills up all of the soap dispensers in the house.


*love you Bry

10 weeks

I'm really sad today. I'm tired of crying. Beyond exhausted....
Everything hit me again today. I woke up with a huge wave of sadness rolling in. It's hard waking up in this quiet and empty house every morning. Bryant is gone long before I think of waking up. I do not enjoy the mornings. I guess I don't enjoy the evenings either. At least I'm normally not alone at night. I cannot be real with anyone. That is hard. It's so lonely. At the same time I normally feel completely uncomfortable around most people. It's so hard to be genuine and real. Normally being genuine and real means crying my eyes out until they are so swollen I can't see. Trust me, it doesn't make for a fun time at all. Most people know that I hate being fake. That is not me. I feel like I am fake now about 99% of the time. I hate it.
I miss my baby today. I miss being pregnant. I miss my life. I miss all of it.

devotion tonight

"I will bless the Lord who guides me; even at night my heart instructs me. I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me." - Psalm 16: 7-8

*This was from our devotion tonight. I am so thankful that the Lord is always with me.*

few things

There are a very few things that make me laugh right now. This is one of them. I dedicate this to all of my friends who have been married for at least three years or more.
(I know it's old..and everyone has seen it but it's so real...I love it)

"It's Business Time"

I'm learning to be around the people and things that make me laugh and avoid the things that make me cry. I know that may sound weird or mean or extremely selfish but that's how it is right now. It's sad because at times I want to be able to jump right back into my old normal routine. That's just not the way it is right now. I feel very selfish. It's hard when everything inside of you makes you want to cry and stay in bed all day. It's like a survival tactic. You go toward things that make the hurt a little less than it is. Please don't think I'm rude. That is not my intention at all.

*Goodnight*

a lot going on

We have had such a busy weekend. Busy is good. Busy is very exhausting too. It was such a nice change of pace for us though. It was great knowing that we had so much stuff to do. We had some awesome food this weekend. We had a lot of fun. It was so good getting to be with some of our closest friends and just have fun.

Of course, that still doesn't mean that I didn't feel guilty. I feel guilty whenever I do anything remotely fun. I feel like people must think I'm not grieving or that I've forgotten about Nate. It's hard. It's up and then it's down...all of the time.

We are doing better though. I think we are moving into a stage where we are learning how to incorporate our sadness back into some type of "normal" life. I hope that makes sense. I don't want to get stuck in this situation. It's hard though because in my mind any type of progression makes me feel like I'm leaving Nate behind. I guess maybe I should say leaving the memories of Nate behind. It's tough because hardly anyone knew Nate. No one knew him like I did so it's a very isolating thing at times.

I have more to do with my life. I don't want my life to end at - "There is Courtney Cloud. Her baby died."

Sorry for the ramblings this morning. Bryant and I had planned on getting up and getting to the early service at our church this morning. This did not happen. I only got about 2 hours of sleep Friday. Last night we sat on our deck and talked with a bunch of friends until after midnight. I needed sleep. When the alarm went off at 7:00 am I couldn't even move. It felt really good to sleep though. I needed it.

one more thing

I've been meaning to say something about this beautiful plant for several weeks. Someone left it on our porch a week or so after Nate died. It also had a beautiful cross with it. There was no name on the card so I didn't know who to thank. Maybe the person who sent this to us reads this blog. Thank you.
It really meant a lot to us.

happy ending or maybe happy beginning

I have been reading Marie's blog. Her water broke at 24 weeks and she has been on bed rest trying to delay labor. She made it to 31 1/2 weeks! Her baby Lincoln was born on Monday. He is doing great. Please keep Marie's and her family in your prayers. She has had a very tough recovery from the C-Section. I've been praying for this family for several weeks. I'm so happy for them today. (Really happy...not the fake happiness that I'm normally dealing with right now.)

The days are getting very long. I have a lot to do but no motivation to get anything done. I should have the cleanest house in the neighborhood but I don't. I feel like we live in chaos right now. I have now become a late morning sleeper. I have NEVER and I mean never slept in late. It normally doesn't matter if I go to bed at 3 am I'm still up between 5:30 - 6:00 am. I normally sleep to 8 - 9 am every day. Isn't that horrible? I'm embarrassed to even write it. Hopefully, when I start working in August I will be able to resume my normal schedule.

My busy summer (and it was completely full of events..) is empty now. I literally have nothing on my calendar for July. I had to go redo my calendar last week. It still had my pregnancy weeks, appointments, baby showers, work days for the nursery and all of that other fun stuff on it. Now it's a clean slate. All of our friends up here are married now (except for one) so we don't do the summer wedding thing anymore. We do the baby shower - go to the hospital to visit babies thing. I probably won't be doing that this year. Sorry.

I can hear the treadmill calling my name. I am so frustrated. I have never not been able to lose weight when I wanted to. Not anymore. Not only am I putting myself through boot camp but I'm not even looking at anything that taste good (except for Provino's Monday night with Rae and Donnie). I still cannot lose a pound. This is not good.


"Each day you must say to yourself, 'Today I am going to begin."

(I found this quote on a blog I read and I thought it was really great.)

happy birthday to you..

Happy Birthday Rae.

the beach

The beach was beautiful. The water was perfect. I'm not even a huge fan of the beach and I thought it was wonderful in Destin.
Bryant had a really good time. I'm glad. He hasn't had a good time in awhile. It was really good for him to get away.
I was sad. I was thinking about how life should be. I should almost be 32 weeks pregnant. Nate should have been with me in Destin. I should have felt him move and kick and go crazy. I should be huge and pregnant...not just huge.
The 4th of July is normally one of our favorite holidays. Bryant and I absolutely love it every year. This year was so different. It was so full of pain and disappointment and grief.

Everyone keeps wanting to know when we will be better. I don't think we will ever "be better..or be over this". Life is forever changed because of what has happened to us. I feel like there will be joy again in our life. I feel like there will be happy times again too. I just know that Bryant and I have changed. We are not the same people anymore. I feel like I'm a stranger right now. I don't belong in the life I was living in before Nate died. I don't feel like most people can understand that.

This is our life.

picture

today

I saw this picture for the first time last night. I didn't even realize I had any more pregnant pictures on my camera. This is me and Nate at almost 21 weeks...two days before kidney stones.
I didn't take a lot of pictures when I was pregnant so it was really nice to find this one.


I don't have much time to blog. I thought I would just leave a picture of Bryant and me from yesterday. My sisters took a bunch of good pictures too. I'll have to post some of those when I get time.


Hope everyone is having a good day.