my little family

I would love nothing more than for my family to grow.....but I have to admit that my little family is pretty great. I was actually able to sit down this afternoon and have a conversation with B. He got home early today (shocker!) and it was nice just to sit and talk through some things. We are trying very hard not to lose "us" in all of the this. It's very hard at times not to. So tonight, I'm thankful for my boys....

(They may be just dogs to some people but they will always be the first "children" Bryant and I had.)

goodbye kelly ann

Sweet Kelly - I am so glad that you have become my friend. You have made my heart happy and have allowed Jesus' love to shine through you. You have made me want to be a better me and have shown me what true selflessness looks like. I am sad that you are leaving but so happy that you are going to be in KY. I know I will at least get to see you twice a year when I go visit Sister Woman.

Tonight we had a surprise goodbye party for our Kelly. She is leaving the preschool we work at to go to graduate school. She is going to be greatly missed!

Injury Update - As you can see in the above picture I'm still sporting my lovely sling. Please note the sarcasm in my words. I'm discouraged tonight. I'm laying in bed - up way too late - frozen bag of okra on my shoulder - neck pillow in place - medicine taken (not working) - and still in pain. I was really hoping the two huge shots they put in my muscle on Monday would be helping more. I can tell that I'm somewhat better but by the end of the day I'm in so much pain it's unbearable. I am going back to the doctor in the morning for round 3 of x-rays and possibly another cortisone shot. If the doctor is not happy with the x-rays tomorrow (if the muscle is still as swollen as it was last time) then he wants me to get an MRI. He has thought there could be nerve damage from the start. He is just hoping that the muscle is really swollen and pushing on a nerve. He said that would be an easy fix...fix the swelling and then the pain is gone. I just really need to deal with one medical crisis at a time. The pregnancy/D&C issues aren't even a month out and I'm already dealing with another doctor and injury. I'm just going to try to hope and be positive. Maybe I'll get much better news tomorrow than I'm thinking. It is amazing what being in a ton of pain for a week can do for your psyche (sp?).

I'll leave you with a couple more pictures from tonight. Laredo's is always a fun place to go no matter what the occasion. I love my job. Some days are VERY stressful and draining but I love knowing that I am having an impact on the children in my classroom. I am thankful that I've been given the opportunity to work at Foundations. I have met and become friends with some really great people. Had fun with all of you girls!

my new accessory

I thought you might like to see the new accessory I've been sporting the past few days...

I'm going back to the doctor in the morning to have another set of x-rays done. I'm hoping and praying that the injury to my shoulder isn't anything serious. I'm ready to be able to exercise and start the LONG journey of getting back in shape.

Hope that everyone in the blog world has had a great weekend.

Maybe I will find time this week to post pictures from the past couple of months...

injured

I am in pain.

I have done something to my shoulder/collar bone area.

I thought I had messed something up working out several days ago.

Then I fell. I was dumb and caught myself with my arms straight out.....

Now, I'm in pain..lots of pain. I went to the ortho doctor today. The x-rays showed a lot of swelling. I have to take a huge dose of steroids for the next few days. I'm praying that once the swelling goes down I'll be fine. I go back for a second round of x-rays on Monday. The doctor said I could be fine in a day or two once the swelling is gone...or I could come back on Monday and the x-rays could show serious damage. There was a lot of talk about rotator stuff and that really makes me very nervous. I'm praying that I've just pulled some muscle in a really bad way and that nothing is torn, ripped, twisted or pinched.

I was going to post some really exciting news about me having lost 9 pounds in the last 2 1/2 weeks (I have worked my tail off and watched every single last calorie I have put in my mouth), but the fact that I'll have to take steroids for the next 6 days will probably cancel out all of the work I've done.

Hoping that your day has been a lot better than mine.....

you just never know

You just never know what a day will bring or what a year will bring. This is never where I expected to be. I had a nice and neat little life plan. I knew everything I wanted to do before I had kids. My list was so detailed to even what kind of medical insurance I would have before I started trying to have kids.

Man - has my world been rocked or what?!?

I'm still processing this last loss but even in the midst of all of this I realize how incredibly blessed I am. I really have a great life. I'm surrounded by wonderful and lovely-hearted (I might have just made up a word) people who have signed up to walk this journey with me. I have a kind and compassionate husband who goes out of his way every single day to make my life as good as he possibly can make it. I have two sweet dogs who have brought so much happiness into our home. I have a very supportive immediate and extended family. I love my job, even with all of the stress and craziness it can bring. I am very blessed.

Everyday I make a choice. I choose to not let the hurt and pain that I have dealt with through losing these babies define who I am. I'm not saying that our experiences in life don't make us stronger. Trust me - some days I feel like super woman after getting through losing Nate the way we did. I have learned so much in the past two years and the Lord has brought me to such a deeper place with him. I am grateful for that. I just know that there is more to me than a woman who has lost four babies and who has struggled with infertility. I am more than my circumstance. I am more than the situations and struggles this life has thrown my way. I know that the Lord has a bigger plan for me than all of this. I'm trying very hard not to forget the purpose he has for me today...not tomorrow or the next day but today. I'm not saying it's easy at all because it isn't. I have moments where I want to give up and just let the sorrow and pain take over. That would be the easy choice right now.

I'm praying every morning for the Lord to give me the strength I need for just today and trusting that when tomorrow comes He will get me through that as well. There are days when I feel like all I can do is get through just one more day of this heavy sadness that now has become apart of my life. I have been so amazed at how the Lord knows our needs. He sees our pain and he comforts us in ways we would have never thought of. Just today one of my neighbors left the most caring and encouraging note in my mailbox.

I don't understand why this has happened to us and keeps happening to us but I know that the Lord has carried us on days that we couldn't walk and has provided the comfort, peace and strength we have needed to get to where we are now. I'm not sure what our next step will be. I feel like we need a break. I feel like we need time to recharge from all of this and just be. So today, I'm trying very hard to live in the now - the present. I don't want life to pass me by because I'm too caught up in what could of been or what I want it to be.

today

Happy Mother's Day Mama. I love you.

Wishing all of the Mother's whose children are here with them, the ones whose children are not and for all of the women trying to become Mothers a very good day.

non-mother's day

Bryant an I love our mothers very much.

Tomorrow though, we will not be celebrating Mother's Day.

We will be observing a non-mother's day at the Cloud house.

Of all holidays that could be this Sunday - I really wish it wasn't this one.

We are beginning to process the fact that I'm not pregnant anymore. I'm still very sore and in quite a bit of pain from the D. & C. Several times I'm reached into the medicine cabinet for Ibuprofen and then stopped because I still think I can't take it. The emotional roller coaster is beyond exhausting.

I am not looking forward to going back to work on Monday. I'm back in my "just want to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head" mode. I'll deal with it though.

I organized all of my accessories and bathroom drawers today.

It helped having a project.

I'll try to post pictures later...it's impressive.

Bryant is staying busy. This is what he does. Staying busy means you don't have time to be sad.

I'm still sad...even when I'm busy.

answers to your questions

I'm received a ton of emails, comments and messages. You have all been so sweet in remembering Nate's day with us. It really means a lot to Bryant and me.

So the million dollar questions...Yes, I was pregnant again. I made it to 8 weeks and 2 days. I was having weekly appointments. I already had two great ultrasounds. I had heard the heartbeat twice. Everything was going great. I starting cramping on Sunday but I didn't really think much of it. I cramped so much during the first trimester with Nate. Wednesday morning I let the nurse know that I had been having a lot of cramps but she said as long as I hadn't been bleeding everything should be fine. Something wasn't working correctly with the portable ultrasound machine that Dr. H was using, so they got me to go across the hall to the big ultrasound room with Mrs. S. She started the ultrasound and I heard her measuring and typing away. I thought everything was fine and then she stopped....I know what that means. No heartbeat. I am amazed that after everything Bryant and I have endured that I still could feel that much pain again. I am so thankful for Dr. H, T. & S. They were so compassionate and were totally present in the moment with me. Bryant wasn't with me. It was tough.

I ended up having a D&C on Wednesday at noon. Dr. H came and did it during her lunch break.The irony of it all is that May 6 was on a Wednesday last year. One year later to the day, I was at the hospital losing another baby. I delivered Nate at 12:18 and I was being wheeled into the operating room at almost the exact same time. I still can't wrap my mind around that...

So here we are, a year later. Bryant said he feels like we have lost another year of our life. We really thought we would be in such a different place a year after losing Nate. I do know that we are so much stronger. Now I know there is definitely something wrong with me. This is the first time I've been faced with the reality that this is going to be so much harder than we ever thought it would be. I am 25 years old and I've lost 4 babies...4 failed pregnancies..

Bryant and I have not given up. I've come too far, endured to much, to give up now. I know that I will have children one day. It may not be the exact way I thought I would but I will. The timing of all of this has been really hard. I think we are going to take some time just to breathe, to rest for awhile.

Thank you for all of you who have chosen to walk this path with us. Your prayers are really appreciated right now.

Nate

One year ago today, a tiny little boy came into the world too soon. Today we remember Him.

Nate Garrison Cloud - May 6, 2009
Happy Birthday in Heaven!


Bryant and I are so thankful to the Lord for carrying us through this difficult year. I never imagined this would be the road we would have to take. I can't believe a year has gone by since we lost Nate. There are days were it seems like it was just yesterday.Bryant and I have been hit hard this week but we are still standing. Our hope is not in this world. Our hope is in Jesus.

Thank you for being there for us this year. I know it hasn't always been fun or easy. Bryant and I love each one of you. We are so thankful you have chosen to go on this journey with us.

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11

what a day

Tomorrow is Nate's birthday. Not sure how it's going to go..
Bryant and I have been faced with even more heartache today.
Not sure what the plan is. I know He has a plan for us. I am very confused.
Today has been a day that would have been unbearable without Him.

I am thankful for the hope we have in Jesus.
On days like these it's all we can hang on to.

"Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who hope in the Lord." - Psalm 31:24

heating pad

I did something to my back this weekend. It hurts. I have laid (Bryant informed me that I am not being grammatically correct by using the word laid..he told me it should be lain or I have been lying but that just sounds weird to me.) on a heating pad all day yesterday and as soon as I got home from work it was back to bed. It is very hard to be a preschool teacher and not be able to bend over without almost crying. Hopefully, it will work itself out in a few days...

Nate's birthday is on Thursday. I cannot believe this week is already here. This Monday night a year ago I thought things were finally turning around. The kidney stone issues seemed to have been cleared up and I was starting to feel good again. Obviously, there was a lot more we were going to have to deal with than kidney stones coming our way. I haven't had a lot of time to be anxious about the day arriving. I've been keeping myself extremely busy with the two jobs at Cornerstone. That has helped. It still amazes me to think it's almost been a year......

Team Baby Nate - You Rock!

March for Babies was a huge success. We raised over $4000! We were surrounded by so many friends and family that are dear to our heart.
We remembered Nate and honored him in such a great way. Thank you everyone for your support. We feel so loved.


Thought you would like to see some pictures....
(We walked in a misty light rain the entire time..please excuse the hair...I know it looks horrible.)

take 1

take 2

(we are missing a few people in this picture)