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I write about this a lot but I'm amazed at how quickly life is going by. I was working this afternoon on some stuff for Fall. I cannot believe that in a few weeks summer session at preschool will be over! I feel like we just said "Happy New Year" and were talking about how great 2010 was going to be.
I want time to slow down. I know it won't but it would be a nice idea. I feel like I'm going to blink and five years will have passed by. I guess this doesn't really fall under the "being content column". I'm trying so hard to find contentment in the moment and not in the way I want things to be.
I know my blog surprises a lot of people who are in my life. Let me explain. I don't let anyone see me grieve (well, there have been a few people who have experience my "moments"). I don't do being upset or emotional in public. In fact, I try to avoid situations where I know I will probably not be able to keep "the grief", as I refer to it, in check. I don't enjoy making people feel uncomfortable. I know this probably isn't the healthiest thing for me to do but I don't really know how to change this part of me. Most days I do really well. This week has been such a challenge for me. There have been moments where I have felt so full of sadness that at any moment I felt like I could just overflow....I identify with other people's grief in a completely different way now. It's much more of a personal thing for me. I've had a very heavy heart for several families in our community this week. I've had moments where I've just had to consciously make myself think about something else. This may sound harsh or insensitive but I take things on in such a way know that at times it's still too raw and painful to visit for too long. I say this verse over and over, especially during weeks like this......
"My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, My power is made perfect in you."
2 Corinthians 12: 9 (NCV)
I'm sorry for those of you who have emailed me and haven't received a response. I appreciate every single email, comment & message that you send. I can't even begin to tell you the encouragement that I have felt from your words. I hate that life has gotten so busy that I am unable to respond to every email. I promise soon to do a Q & A blog post soon to respond to some of the more popular questions. It still amazes me that people actually read about our life.
Lord,
Help me to have a heart for the things that You care about. Help me to love those who I really don't like. Help me to be in the moment and see the opportunities You put in my life to serve others. Help me to be where You want me to be even if it messes up my type A, have to control everything way a life. Help me to follow Your path even if it takes me out of my comfortable little box. Help me to trust You in all things, and that includes the things I've convinced myself I have complete control over..even though I don't. Help me not to worry or have a rotten attitude when things don't go my way. Help me be You to someone this week.
This is my prayer today.
So thankful that the Lord loves me even though there are days where I'm very unlovable.
July is here. I can't believe it.
Bryant and I have had several conversations in the past month about how we never dreamed our family will still be just us almost a year and a couple months after Nate. It is tough to realize that this will be another hard year for us. As I've said a million times, I know that having a baby here on Earth won't heal us. It won't take away the pain that we feel from not having Nate here, but it will help. The only thing different about this year is that I'm expected to be fine. I'm expected by others to be ok. There is still a sadness and grief that we navigate through every day. I know that we are in a very healthy place on this journey but there still is pain. I know this is a hard thing for some people to understand. I still feel like I've been kicked in the stomach every time I hear about someone having their baby or seeing pictures of people in delivery rooms with their healthy babies. It's not personal. Please understand that. I would never wish what we have gone through on our worst enemy. I mean that. It's just amazingly difficult to realize that we didn't get to have that experience with Nate and that we may never get to have that experience with another child. I have days where it's a lot easier to trust the Lord and know that He is in control. I also have days where I get mad and it's ugly. Basically, I have days where I act like a two year old and pitch a fit to the Lord. I have to remind myself of how the Lord has been so faithful to us. He has kept every promise He has made to us in His Word. Bryant and I are still here. We are still together and standing. It's not pretty every day but in a nut shell that's it. We are here.
I'm sorry that I just unloaded all of that. I've just had several people ask us how things are. I've neglected the blog for awhile because I've been so busy with life. Hopefully, this will answer the "how are you doing now" question.
On a lighter note, we are still enjoying the last bits of our week away from work! Bryant and I both had this week off due to the Fourth of July holiday. As much as I wanted to, there was NO money for a vacation this year. We ended up going home to see our families. There was no beach time due to the nasty oil spill. It makes me sad to see how much our coast is suffering from all of this. The Gulf is near and dear to us since we both grew up within 20-30 minutes of Gulf Shores. I still loved being able to spend time with family. It was great to spend time with my grandparents, Mama & Dad, Dee & the kids and the Clouds. I also got to see cute cousin Lilah, very pregnant Randi (cousin) and my sweet Aunt Karen. I even brought the famous kiddie pool home with me. Yes, I know...you don't even have to say it. It was so nice to get away and spend time with all of you lovely people. It was also great to actually see my husband! Fun times.
So..it's back to our normal crazy life! Bryant hadn't been home for 10 minutes without starting on a list of projects. I'll be back at work tomorrow getting things ready for the sweet little lambs that will come to Cornerstone on Sunday.
I hope that y'all are having a great Friday.
