Thursday, September 15, 2011

n is for nate

n is for nate....g is for garrison...
It's amazing how something so small can send a wave of grief through me so quickly. The wave of grief can be so painful I feel like I'm right back there, in that moment...staring at that tiny white coffin we put him in. It's like no time has passed. I think this is something I'll experience for the rest of my life. For the most part, I've become a pro at handling these moments. Unfortunately, grief doesn't work on my schedule. I wish I could ask grief to only hit or show it's ugly face when I'm alone. I don't like for anyone to see me hurt. I nearly have a panic attack if I feel like I'm going to be put in an emotional situation if front of people. Somehow in my mind, emotion equals weakness or not being in control. If I had to pick the worst thing about grief it would be the lack of control. Grief can be sudden and sneaky. It can hit you so hard it feels like you've literally been knocked off of your feet.
I saw a "n is for nate" wall art canvas yesterday on etsy. I had "starred" it as one of my favorites. Some days I look around the office and try to imagine his nursery......It still amazes me that it normally is the small, tiny, seemingly insignificant things that can cause me to lose it. 
September 3 (Nate's due date)has come and gone again. I know I shouldn't hold onto this date since it really doesn't have any ties to Nate. I think it's more difficult for me in some ways then May 6 (Nate's birth & death day). It is a huge reminder of "what should have been".
I had a conversation about trying to get pregnant again yesterday. Pregnancy for me represents pain, sorrow & grief. For us, pregnancy does not mean that you bring home a healthy breathing baby at the end of 40 weeks. For those of you who have asked....I did have a conversation about it. That's more than I've done in the past year. I've had to focus so much on my own health this past year. I feel like I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel with all of the health issues and my shoulder injury. I am so ready for all of that to be behind us. Unless I just completely change my thoughts on the matter, I will not be telling anyone when/if we get pregnant again. I will be (hopefully) far along before any knows.
Grandma update - Thank you so much for your kind messages and prayers for my Grandma. Her surgery was successful. She got transferred to the rehab facility on Monday. She will be there for a couple of weeks. I know she just wants to be at home. I hate seeing her quality of life being so poor. It has definitely been a challenge for the entire family. I wish I was closer and could do more.

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